Hello my Eurovision lovelies! This column is intended to be a bit of lighthearted fun among the really serious Eurovision business going on in the other sections of the website. It is also, however, a forum where Europhiles can ask Dr C questions and hopefully get some useful answers. And maybe a prescription for a little laughter. So don’t take it too seriously.
Over the course of the last few years I have found myself asking some real questions of myself and I am sure some of these will ring true with you, the readers. I do hope the answers below, which I have searched long and hard for, can be of some use to you.
If you find yourself waking at night thinking of the entire world’s worries and feel you have nowhere to turn, why not email Dr C and see what he can do? But please remember, I can only answer one question per appointment. Email your questions to email@example.com
How do I tell my parents I want to go to Eurovision?
The good news is that by telling your parents you want to go to Eurovision you are most of the way there to coming out. In a way it is the gayest thing you will ever tell them. It’s even gayer than having sex with/marrying a man! I found the easiest thing to do was to leave a little breadcrumb trail all the way down that yellow brick road and let them work it out for themselves. Then when you are sure they know, announce your holiday plans and tell them you’ll bring them back a little stick of rainbow coloured rock, girlfriend.
I found Conchita Wurst attractive; does that make me gay or straight?
Who the hell cares? Bitch can sing, and lets face it she looks fabulous whatever your orientation. Every time she uses those pipes a little part of me rises like a phoenix. Everyone has their own thing and it will always be weird to some people. The important thing is that you are happy in who you are, because, in the words of a certain Ms RuPaul… “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” Gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, no gender; it doesn’t matter because when we all come together and sing with one voice “we are unstoppable”.
My boyfriend doesn’t like Eurovision!
Dump him! You don’t need that kind of negative energy in your life.
I am having nightmares that Serhat is coming for me!
This is a common problem for those of us who watched the San Marino entry in the Eurovision semi-finals. Even more so for those who watched their video entry. I’m told that Serhat is Latin for “creepy monocled man” and parents in the times of yore used it as a way to scare kids straight. Kind of how parents these days use Father Christmas to blackmail their kids. The good news is there is a way to stop these nightmares. It mostly involves staying awake forever and locking yourself in a panic room with vast quantity of wine. The one thing you must never do, though, is look into a mirror and say “Serhat” 3 times. I once had a friend who did this, and it’s the basis of next year’s big horror flick. Stay tuned! Now that you have been warned you cannot say “I didn’t know”.
That’s all for now, but stay tuned for more from me, Dr C. Remember…stay safe and stay fabulous!